Let go of negative justification!

Let go of justification!

When we feel something, and we feel it very strongly, it is because we feel JUSTIFIED in having that feeling. The stronger our feelings, the stronger our justifications for having things be that way.

For example, a person might feel very JUSTIFIED at being angry with someone for turning up 10 minutes late. They will then find many reasons, WHY they feel JUSTIFIED at being so angry that further reinforces that anger.

The basis of our justifications is our beliefs.

If someone holds very strong views and beliefs around the importance of being on time, that it is rude to turn up late or that turning up on time is linked to how much the person likes you, then they are likely to feel very JUSTIFIED about feeling hurt, angry or upset at another person’s lateness.

I am sure we have all been on the receiving end of this!

Strong beliefs have supported all sorts of harsh and unkind behaviours, from religious wars to apartheid and the illegality of homosexuality. In these cases, those promoting the harsh experiences felt very JUSTIFIED in doing so.

And the same, albeit on a smaller level, goes on for us. We feel very JUSTIFIED to carry out some of our most self-harming behaviours, based on our beliefs and conditioning.

This is why the MIND DETOX METHOD works so well. In the MIND DETOX METHOD, we establish what your fundamental beliefs are so we can decide if those beliefs are actually true. These beliefs are very core to us and shape absolutely everything we do – including what our bodies do. These beliefs may FEEL true, they may feel very normal and familiar, but when we actually look at them in the cold light of day – are they actually true?

Common beliefs clients find many JUSTIFICATIONS to support are:

It [a bad event] was my fault
I’m not good enough
I am not worthy of love
Mum/Dad left/hurt me because they didn’t love me
I deserved to be punished
Nothing can be done / I am powerless
Life is hard
Money is hard to come by
I am a victim of my circumstances
There is something wrong with me

All that list is, is a list of thoughts/beliefs that feel very familiar and comfortable to people – like a pair of comfy old slippers – but actually have no basis in truth or reality.

Yes, sometimes we are responsible for things, but it doesn’t make them all our fault – far more happens outside of our control than within our control.

Yes, sometimes we don’t meet the standard necessary to accomplish something, but this doesn’t make all of us not enough, in every circumstance – it was only relevant at that point in time and perhaps at that point in time, that outcome was a blessing in the long run.

And yes, sometimes it appears like the people around us don’t love us, but this is in no way a reflection of our worth, it is a reflection of what that person is going through at that point in time and how much THEY are struggling.

Get my drift?

SO, in the MIND DETOX METHOD, we are able to challenge some of the extraordinarily deep and fundamental beliefs we have created or acquired over time really quickly, painlessly and easily. Instead we naturally find ourselves wanting to replace them with statements of absolute truth such as:

I am a kind and generous person

I am enough

I deserve to be loved

My parents are good people, they were just trying to do the best they can with what they have.

It’s what’s known as self-love, self-esteem, confidence and compassion – attributes that are all vital to our health and wellbeing!! We literally turn our negative justifications on their head and look for reasons to love and support ourselves.

So next time you find yourself going through a very strong experience, stop and notice, what are your justifications for feeling that way? You may find that you have picked up one or two that are inaccurate that you might benefit from turning around. Letting go of these inaccurate beliefs and replacing them with more honest and accurate ones will let good energy and experiences flow through your life again. Now that is something you can justify – why you deserve to be and feel well!

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Becci Godfrey is a Mind Detox practitioner and trainer, Reiki Master and Teacher and Equine Assisted Learning Facilitator. From her base in Mark Cross, East Sussex she helps hundreds of people locally and all over the world overcome their life, emotional and health challenges to fulfil their potential.

To find out more, or find out what up and coming courses are available you can visit Becci’s professional profile here or follow Mind Detox Tunbridge Wells on Facebook.

The power of responsibility

One of the most empowering things you can do, if you are on a journey to self actualisation – is to learn about the power of responsibility.

I am also lucky enough to also do some educational and therapy work using horses (www.HorseSenseUK.com) and one of the key things we share when we do our training days is that everyone is responsible for themselves, thus contributing to the safety of the group (see Barbara Rector’s Website – www.adventuresinawareness.net).

By this we mean participants are asked to responsible for their personable well-being – that being toilet breaks, hydration, safety around the horses, as well as their mental and emotional well-being. By mental and emotional well-being, we mean looking after their mental and emotional state and when they need to take time out to digest an experience or get comfort and support.

Such a context is a wonderful way to open up a discussion about personal responsibility. One of the things I learnt when growing up, is that not everyone has an understanding of this. Examples of when people do not take responsibility for themselves and the situations they find themselves in is blame. I have heard blame described as the most toxic of all emotions, the one with the lowest vibrational frequency and therefore of most harm to the body. To blame someone, or something else is to abstain from all responsibility – a very daft thing to do seeing as we all co-create our existence. It surprises me therefore, how often in a regular day you will hear an expression of this emotion. We blame the weather, our neighbour, the buses, the government, our parents, our children and even ourselves for outcomes that do not go the way we would like.

To take back power in our lives, we have to take back responsibility. An example of this is the boss that gives his employee a large piece of work 5 minutes before work is due to end and then blames the colleague for not reminding him to hand it over earlier. If the colleague did’t even know the work existed, who here is truly responsible for the work not being done on time? Conversely, if I miss the bus because I didn’t get up early enough I neglected my personal responsibility to be on time. It doesn’t matter whether I was very tired or not, if I want something and I take an active responsibility in it including allowing some contingency time in there, I am much more likely to succeed. The feedback from that event is next time I might want to set the alarm or go to bed earlier!

A different context of the personal responsibility and area of blame is how to deal with when people blame others (or us) for the way they are feeling. Children that have grown up in abusive and emotionally difficult homes may be very familiar with this one. In relationships it is very easy to blame the other person for the way that we feel, and in doing so we feel temporarily good about ourselves because we tell ourselves that what is going on, isn’t our “fault”. Friendships, romantic relationships, siblings, parents and children can all fall victim to this behaviour. Children can blame parents for their lack of success in life, wives can blame husbands for holding them back or friends can blame each other, stating that it was something they did or said that is causing them to feel hurt.

There are two process that get you away from the blame trap. Firstly, it is to take responsibility for the way you feel. So if for example I was feeling hurt because a friend has cancelled seeing me, I would take 100% responsibility for feeling hurt. In doing so, I would acknowledge those feelings and properly allow them to be there rather than pushing them away and just doing that alone can help to shift them into a more neutral state.

Secondly, by taking 100% responsibility for the way I feel I could look at what perhaps is causing those feelings. According to Anthony Robbins, feelings are created by 3 things:

1) Physiology – this our physical structure, how we hold ourselves and how we move

2) Focus – this is what we are “looking” at and putting our attention on

3) Language – this is what we are telling ourselves about what we are experiencing.

For example, when you smile the brain releases happy hormones – all from the action of smiling. Conversely, if I slumped you in a chair in a very depressed posed you would probably report feeling down and depressed.

Focus is the messages and images we feed our brain. In the Mind Detox Method, we help you shift your focus from the thorns of the rose bush to the roses thus improving your perception of the event and experience.

And finally, the language we use is another way to influence our biochemistry and therefore how we feel.  Do we use positive upbeat language such as joy, happiness, abundance or we using language such as difficult, I can’t, this is boring?

So in our example of me feeling hurt, I am probably telling myself that my friend doesn’t like me, she doesn’t care for how I feel, I am all alone and that I am unloveable. My focus will be on all the times she and others have let me down and my physiology will quickly respond and be down and probably hunched.

Knowing this data can really help us challenge our often habitual responses. I could make myself take a big and open breath, focus on the times my friend has been there for me and ask the question perhaps – what is happening for my friend that has caused her to cancel. It may be after all, when I stop focusing on myself and what I need/want I realise that she needs me to be there for her.

Lose Control and Like It – 4 Ways to Handle Responsibility and Control

When other people blame us we can also apply the same principles above. Firstly, we can allow them to take responsibility for their own emotions by not accepting the blame they give us. My brother-in-law described it brilliantly when he said if someone offered you a drink and you didn’t want one, you would just say no thanks. Well the same when people try to offload their emotions, blame or guilt on you – experiment with saying no. This could be by just letting them hang in the air – walking away or declining verbally, politely. It requires you standing in your power. If people are unable to give their feelings to you, they are left with them themselves and by doing so you are allowing them to be responsible for themselves and return to them their power too. And secondly, we can sometimes change their physiology. Laughter is very good for this, it is hard to stay mad at someone that makes you laugh – and you break people out of their pattern. Another example would be to give them something else to focus on by asking a slightly obscure question.

Of course, all this is a LOT easier said than done, but here’s the thing, you aren’t expected to be great at it just like that. This is a skill that comes with practice and time and you have survived this far without it, you will survive the time it takes to acquire it. Play around with being responsible for your own emotions – see how great that feels and how much power it gives you. Accept responsibility for your mistakes, own them and grow from them – it is a very likeable and mature trait. Accept responsibility for how you feel about others and their behaviour. Accept that you have the power to change that, then choose a different focus, change your physiological habits and change the language you use around your experience and give it a different meaning.

All these are advanced skills. They are the difference in my view, between those that succeed in life to those that merely survive and get by. It is the difference between a life full of personally created joy, love and passion and one spent in sadness, hiding and delusion.

I wish you luck on your journey and thank for you now, the chances you have been given to grow.