A client was sharing with me this morning how dramatically her life had turned around since doing Mind Detox. She’d been doing other approaches too, along side meditation and Reiki sessions, but for her it was the Mind Detox that had created the shift.
At the same time, I had been pondering the futility of blame. It had come my attention, that blame is something we do, or have been taught to do, when we don’t want to feel something. For example, I blame the weather for my mood, or I blame my parents for not teaching me right or wrong. The moment I blame, I give away all power and stop my Self from feeling blue, or the healthy shame from making a mistake that stops you doing it again.
Blame: responsibility for a fault or wrong
By doing blame (which is one of the lowest vibration emotions out there), I don’t stop the emotions being present, I just don’t feel and therefore allow them to pass. And if I don’t feel and allow my emotions to pass, that must mean that I store them up adding to them each time I choose blame over feeling.
To have a more realistic understanding of our relationship with blame, I invite you to do a little exercise. Notice where in your life you apportion blame. It may be for something small like the state of the kitchen, or for something big, like the state of the economy. Blame has become such a subtle, yet prevalent part of our culture, I found I wasn’t aware I was doing it till I looked and then I became horrified how often it showed up in our media and day to day conversations.
One of the things I do, is blame others for my mood. Being very empathic (sensitive to others), I am easily swayed by the moods of others, and then I am very good at blaming them for the way I feel.
Working with my example of being empathic, you have to ask, what gain does blame bring me? The answer is, not having to be responsible for my experience and to not have to feel some of the despair, sadness, hurt and anger of some of the people that come to me. To sit with the emotions of others, to not judge them, to accept them and be deeply and unconditionally loving is a tough thing to do and if I am honest, I don’t always want to do it!
But if we know this quick fix cure of blame isn’t working for me, leaving me disconnected and overwhelmed by emotion – what can I do to be ok and be at peace with life?
The later is a very good question (great lives are full of people asking very good questions). Asking my Self, at a time when I am not in the throws of wanting to blame others, I am able to put together some useful strategies and suggestions to navigate those experiences where I am so quick to jump to blame. In my example I could:
- stop, put my Self into a meditative state and be present for the person that is struggling
- be encouraging and supportive and show I am listening
- take time out to recover and put something back in after if I feel depleted
- be compassionate (love + wisdom), is there a solution that person would be open to that might help?
- accept things as they are, including the fact I am an empath and I need to look after my Self as a result
- drop all judgement
- feel what I am feeling fully in the context of space
- ask for support
- know the person that is in a bad mood isn’t doing so on purpose, their mood is not a reflection of how they feel about me but more likely a reflection of their inner judgement of themselves. In short, it’s not personal
- set boundaries. If there is someone that puts me in a bad mood more than I can handle maybe bring it to their attention and speak with them about it. If that is not an option, consider my suitability in that situation – I might be wise to remove my Self from the problem
- ask someone to help me see if I have a blindspot that is putting those around me into a bad mood in the first place
- build up my inner resilience and compassion, so I can handle challenging situations and can offer more solutions.
As you can see, there is a lot I can do that keeps my power within my Self, rather than giving it away to the person, place or thing I am blaming.
So why praise?
Praise is an alternative to blame. Praise is an appreciation of something for what it is, and the opposite of criticism or judgement.
Praise is an uplifting emotion
Praise is an uplifting emotion. When we praise something, we are saying what we think is good about it, we are putting the energy of awareness into supporting more of what we want. Praise does not take away from the facts of a situation, more it looks for the good in and allows us to accept things as they are. For example, when in my situation of being affected by other people’s moods, I could choose to praise the following things:
- that I am a sensitive and in tune being
- I am kind and compassionate to others
- I care about others
- I want to make a difference and make the world a better place
- I am able to be a supportive help to others
- that I am being given the opportunity to grow and develop resilience
- that I might want to seal my energy up and focus on my Self more, rather than paying so much attention to everyone else
- that I am learning a useful and valuable life skill of a protective shield around who I am
- that this is a chance to go inwards and be a powerful force for good, rather than scatter my energies outwards.
All that has a much more positive, growing, uplifting spin that dismissing an experience with blame. The later approach will not just benefit me at the time, but at all times. And of course, the capacity to extend it is endless. I am pretty sure it makes me a much nicer person to be around too.
So you see, the facts of the situation have not changed, but my relationship to it has.
Beliefs play their part
What brings about the shift, is how we change our beliefs about a situation. In Mind Detox we talk about beliefs being conclusions formed or around us at an early age. They may feel true, but they are based on inaccurate data that sees some, but not all of the equation.
No matter how much I believe I am not loved, the truth is, I am.There are times when the people around me behave in a way that doesn’t come from love, but this does not affect the fact I am loved underneath it all. Same with blame, we may believe that blame is the best way to deal with something, but it is an incomplete awareness that costs us in the accumulation of unfelt emotions.
Beliefs can be very powerful saboteurs of our happiness and our success. Many atrocities have happened on the base of beliefs. We may punish ourselves for not being smart enough, or spend years in the belief we must look a certain way to fit in whilst neglecting our inner pull to accept ourselves and know we are ok as we are. When skillfully challenged, our beliefs don’t hold weight and that is when we see them as powerful drivers of our behaviour, based on some or misleading data.
With the Mind Detox Method, we work with both beliefs and emotions. In significant difficult experiences, if the emotion is not fully felt at the time, a belief may form to support the emotions existence. Life may go on, but the emotion remains unresolved and the belief continues to support it. This has the consequence of dumping the biochemical response of that belief into our bodies day in day out, multiple times a day as the unconscious mind mulls it over and over.
For example, the belief “I am not loved” (accompanied with the emotion of sadness) may cause a person to shut down and become introvert. It may cause you or me to put off making new connections for fear of rejection and evoking the original emotion of sadness (which we are in the habit of wanting to avoid). We may find many reasons why we are not loveable. Perhaps we are not talented enough? Or we are not physically appealing enough? We might think we are the wrong age, gender, ethnicity or shape. We will literally scour our mind to find all the reasons to support the belief we are not loved.
We’ll go to the ends of the earth to find evidence for these beliefs too. It is the nature of the mind that it will continue to find evidence to prove our beliefs true (the opposite is a somewhat stressful experience called cognitive dissonance). As we seek to find more and more evidence, we might change the way we behave. We might, for example, try extra hard at a sport or an art form to get love and approval from that (whist all the time, secretly trying to prove that no matter what, we are not loveable). If that doesn’t work, we may become disillusioned, and look for love in a chemical addiction, through things such as drink, drugs or food – except deep down we know that that doesn’t work either. Eventually, we may get so caught up on our beliefs that we are not loved, and it cause us so much suffering and pain, we may consider ending our life.
So as you can see, beliefs, emotions and how we respond play a pivotal part in our life experiences. Clearing out our sabotaging beliefs and letting go of the emotions that go with them, goes a long way towards creating the shifts my client this morning was talking about. For her the shift has been dramatic and instant. What is different for her now is, she is calmer and freer in her body. People respond to her differently now, she finds they are warmer and more patient. She’s also cleared some significant blocks around her creativity, and whilst there might be a little more to be done, she is moving forwards with projects and ventures that she wasn’t able to before. Even the death of a parent was easier to handle because her overall stress was lower.
In my experience, almost everybody has some form of inaccurate beliefs and stuck emotions – that is the nature of being human. If you feel, that your issues come from something much deeper than you are aware of, you find yourself doing the blame thing, or you simply want to be freer and happier, like my client – let’s talk. Mind Detox is a positive experience, and whilst we do access the stuck emotions in our body, it is usually only for the short amount of time it takes for us to put our consciousness on them to release them. Clearing the emotion, couple with the belief and putting a new habitual neural pathway in its place so you respond differently next time plays a big part in changing the way we respond to experiences and therefore our outcomes.
If you would like to have an initial chat, to see if Mind Detox is right for you, I can be called on +44 (0)1892 853518 or contacted via the form below.
Sessions can be done in person, or via the internet via Skype. Mind Detox sessions can be used to let go of a problem, or help you reach a goal that is eluding you, with a large amount of ground being covered in a short amount of time. The purpose of the practitioner, is to help you find the blindspot that holds you back that you are unable to see yourself.
For fees and to learn more about Mind Detox you can visit my main website here: www.MindDetoxTunbridgeWells.co.uk