Who are you presenting?

Do you show people the real you? Or do you show them a mask?

One of the things I share with clients is the importance of being who they really are with as many people as they can for as long as they can.

Often the ‘problems’ we encounter in life come from denying our true Selves. We might be playing small and not sharing our talents, or we might be acting up and making ourselves out to be far more accomplished than we actually deliver.


Both activities have their origins in insecurity.

Different people act to the same stimulus in different ways, but on the whole being criticised, rejected, over complimented, lived vicariously through by another or just generally not accepted as we are would all be quite normal reasons to choose to adopt a mask to please or avoid being noticed.

Once we’ve done it once, and if the stimulus persists, we may adopt that mask for life – until something comes along to challenge it.

Those that wear masks, and in my experience this is most people I know, cover themselves up by telling little (or sometimes huge!) lies about themselves. They might over or under exaggerate their achievements, downplay or dramatise stressful experiences or fail to mention them at all.

Mask wearers will either seek or actively avoid approval and when you are with them, you’ll get the feeling there’s something they’re not telling you and you’re not getting their true feelings or opinions.


I have grown up with and I also do work with horses. Horses are very adept at disabling our masks and seeing the true us – the soft, vulnerable yet bright and inexplicably power pure spirit soul underneath. They’ve taught me so much about my own vulnerability and inner power, and I adore them for it.

The one thing I love so much about the horses and aim to emulate is their lack of judgement. I don’t mean they can’t read a situation, because they are the most perceptive animals I know, I mean they read the situation very well indeed, masks and all and then love us anyway.


Horses do two very wonderful things when they know we are hiding our true Self, they call you on it, and they encourage you to choose to be authentic. By call you on it, I mean they’ll not move their feet till the real you asks them to walk with them, or they’ll nibble your sleeve till you lighten up into a laugh or one horse of mine just stares at you with the deepest and darkest of eyes – like he is transmitting ‘I love you’ straight to your brain.

There’s a quiet understated magic in those horses that simply unlocks people.

In my sessions I aim to elict as much trust as the horses get by staying neutral, showing people I accept them as they are and they don’t need to be different for me to like and respect them. I also demonstrate they will be safe with me. Safety is important if you want people to open up and show their vulnerability.

Both the horses and I work to mirror back to people their true brilliance. Everyone has true brilliance, even if it is deeply hidden.

In fact, my experience is that at the core of each person is this incredible soul that is far more than the human mind can imagine.

And that’s the interesting bit. People often hide themselves behind a mask because they at some point thought they needed to be different to get love – yet the core of us is love. We didn’t know it at the time, but we can know it now. We never needed to look anywhere other than to our true nature for love – the rest of it is just the journey we took / are taking to get there.

If you would like to do some work on loosening your mask so you and others can see and experience the real, brilliant you then I’ve a special offer running until 22nd Dec 2016. I’m offering three 90 minute sessions experiencing each of my three therapies – Mind Detox, Reiki and a learning session with the horses. Normally these would retail at £230. Instead I am offering them for £195. That’s 4.5hrs of my time and expertise for under £200!! If you want to know more, get in touch!

Give your heart a voice


I wanted to share this reminder this morning. So often I watch myself and others be governed by their head. I see them miss the beauty of the moment before them, I see them miss the opportunity to grow and experience something new and I see them disregard and shut out their dreams, causing them to store up stress and become unwell – all because they forgot or didn’t know how important it is to listen to your heart.

Listening to your heart is important, in fact it is vital.

We live in a world where we are told what to think and do by strong people with a vested interest, and we are punished and excluded by those people if we don’t do it.

Wake up!

If you are an adult, then you are in charge of you!

We are all responsible for ourselves.

When you have an opportunity or choice, listening to your heart will tell you about what you love. It will also tell you how much you love it. This is important, because that maybe not be enough to make the change right now, but it might be more than letting it go and never looking at it again.

Following a heartfelt connection is what draws you to things, be it a friendship, relationship, money or a new life! None of it is wrong, it’s all about allowing your heart to be an adviser in the decision making process because it is capable of it and I see it often erroneously gets overrun.

There’s nothing ‘wrong’ with you

Some people spend their entire life trying to work out what’s wrong with them. They have some inexplicable illness that they go from doctor to doctor trying to get a solution from, trying get that one thing that is going to make it all better.

What if there was nothing ‘wrong’ with you? What if you were brilliant and perfect and funny and great, you just thought there was something wrong with you on some deep level so you made it a reality in your outside world?


Hear me out.

Kids that are more spiritual and in tune with the life around them often think there is something wrong with them because why else would they be different?
Children of divorced parents, especially when they are old enough to be aware but not old enough to know they will be taken care of often think it is their fault, there must be something wrong with them.
Children that are not loved think it must be because there is something wrong with them.
Children that are abused often believe it must be a punishment because there is something wrong with them.
Children that have a different background or perspective in life that other children don’t understand, if they are excluded in anyway, it’s highly likely they will believe it is because there is something wrong with them.

In fact, usually up until around age 7 our perception and understanding of the world is quite small (we literally believe the Universe revolves around us), so if something bad happens we assume it is our fault.  If something bad happens to us by someone else, then we understand it to be a punishment for doing something wrong and if we did it without realising what we were doing (which of course we would at that age), then our natural conclusion is there must be something very wrong with us at a fundamental level. Because all we as children know is love and if we don’t get it back we believe it is because there is something very wrong with us.

So because we never ever want to experience guilt, exclusion, isolation, our parents separating or being punished or abused again, we will look to fix ourselves as a preventative measure. We literally want to stop it ever happening again. And if the doctors tell us there is nothing to fix we go insane, because the logic of our early experiences which we are filtering our present day experiences through is, there IS something wrong with us, there simply must be, or we would have been loved and life would have been fine.

Does this make sense?

It’s easy for me to say because I am outside of it, but it used to be my reality too. I would over analyse every twitch, gurgle, pain or symptom that I had because I didn’t want to have anything ‘wrong’ with me. I associated having something wrong with me with serious amounts of emotional pain. As a child you are also aware that love = survival, so if I wasn’t loved I became afraid that my life was in danger, and so my pattern of being paranoid and terrified began.

So how did I break the cycle?



Love knows there is nothing wrong with you, even if you don’t.

I went to see therapists in the vein hope they could treat me on a physical level and they did to some greater or lesser degree, but what they were actually giving me that moved me forwards was kindness, love, compassion and constructive attention. In time I followed their lead and learnt to give myself kindness, love, compassion and attention. I learnt I wasn’t a bad person that had something ‘wrong’ with them, I was a good person that had been through a tough experience. I learnt to stop focusing on my symptoms and start investing in positive things. Ironically, and looking back, I stopped torturing and punishing myself and I started to be kind and loving to myself. I looked at others and heard their stories and I could see it was worth it (plus I literally had nowhere else to go).

Now I am the kindest most loving and supportive person of myself I know, and as an independent adult that’s how I aspire to continue to grow.

So for all those suffering right now with anxiety, depression, low finances, poor relationships and health challenges I invite you to stop focusing on what’s wrong with you and find someone to shine back what’s right with you. Your symptoms are an understandable reaction to a difficult to understand experience, but you can mend. Seek out loving people that will help you piece yourself back together and help you to allow yourself to be whole. Remember that no-one will ever love you as much as you love yourself. Most likely you will need to process an early difficult memory yes, but with a technique like the Mind Detox Method that doesn’t have to be difficult and it doesn’t have to take long.

I understand what it is like to be sick, and I know what is necessary to be well and I do the necessary on a daily basis.
The question is, are you ready to make that journey, are you willing to do what it takes, do you love yourself enough to be well? http://www.MindDetoxTunbridgeWells.co.uk

* This blog post in no way suggests you stop taking the necessary medicine or help your health care professional advises. Seeking loving relationships is part of a complete healthcare programme and will augment any treatment you are undergoing.



One of the very important things I do via the Mind Detox Method is remove the obstacles to people achieving their dreams. These may be dreams around being healthy, happiness, financial freedom, a new career, being comfortable in a relationship, starting a family or pursuing hobbies.

If people know what they want, are taking steps towards it and they are still not getting the results they are looking for it’s likely to be for four key reasons:

1) You don’t actually deep down want it, you want something else more
2) You want it and are taking action, but your technique is letting you down
3) You have a limiting belief sabotaging your success
4) The people around you don’t want you to achieve your dream or have strong limiting beliefs sabotaging your success
5) It’s not time for your dream to become real just yet, there is more work to be done.

The Mind Detox Method works with all of the above,  but in particular categories 3 and 4.

You can have the most wonderful and sincere dreams in all the world, but if you or someone close to you is sabotaging them and you are biying into it with a limiting belief such as “you must be rich to be healthy” or “I am unattractive”, then you will create that in your life. Your mind will simply create the same experiences over and over again to prove your beliefs true.

Break the pattern, break the cycle
You only have to look at what is going on in your life, to see what your beliefs are. If you have financial difficulties then you’ll have beliefs about receiving money, if you stress about relationships then it’s likely that you are either pushing potential connections away or have beliefs about how relationships ‘should’ look and if you are suffering a health condition it is likely you are fighting your natural urges to be your Self. From there you can start to change what you believe so you create a new outcome, one that is in alignment with your dreams.

However, consciously being aware of each of our beliefs and changing them can be very hard work, and a very slow process. Not only that, but some of them are buried in our unconscious, sometimes for very good reason, so it’s hard to find out what they are. This is where the Mind Detox Method comes in. Through a series of very clever questions, we work with your unconscious mind to find out why we do what we do. Often our behavioural pattern was formed very young and it was the best way we knew to survive a difficult or series of difficult experiences at the time. We compassionately work with the reason you created that behaviour and find a more healthy and life-supporting way to behave instead. This might be accepting financial gifts gratefully, dropping others views of you and falling in love with who you are or choosing to trust again and letting the past be the past, knowing that it is not your future.

Results from the Mind Detox Method are instant. People invariably bounce out of our sessions relieved, grateful and with the or one of the underlying reasons for their problem gone. They are fun to do, and we make sure we have plenty of laughs along the way.

So what would life be like for you if you cleared the blocks to your success? Would you do more? Would you love more? Would you feel more? Could you give more?

Being held back by worry, doubt, fear or traumatic experiences isn’t you what you were put here to do. Being all that you can be, was.

If you would like to know more about the Mind Detox Method, visit the www.MindDetoxTunbridgeWells.co.uk website and find out how it could help you and make use of our 20% off if you book before 16th October!



There is a difference between whether you let it expand you and your skillset as a person or whether it destroys you. If you take it face on and work with it and through it, it expands people in the most attractive of ways. If you deny it exists, run away, find solace in a bottle, pills or food, it has won.

The solution to adversity is always the same. Connect to your Self, listen to it and work with it to set your Self a plan, connect to a greater cosmic power, tell it about your plan and what you want. Give your dream away to the cosmos and take life one step at a time fully staying in the present moment, trusting you inner-tuition and staying as connected to the world around you as you can.

Everything is the truth


There is no one right or wrong truth, only your perception of things and the things we collectively as a species say are true.

Therefore your perception/truth can be wholly different to mine.

You might say “there is not enough” and that would be your experience, your current truth. I might say “there is plenty”, and that would be my experience and my truth. Both are equally valid, both deserve equal respect.

Life becomes difficult for us when we drop our perspective and take on the view of another, or hold rigidly to our perspective and refuse to acknowledge others may see it differently.

You can respect the view of another and honour it, whilst retaining a connection to your own. You can be connected to your own perspective, and benefit from the insights of others.

This is the art of relationship, understanding and communicating your perspective in a fair and open space and having it listened to and appreciated. Where two or more people are involved it requires flexibility and the desire to move towards a common goal.

Love sets and respects boundaries


I came across this image yesterday and it reminded me of something I had delved more deeply into in the morning – the topic of enmeshment, and particularly how it relates to health. It inspired me to write about it, so here it is:

Wonderful words – however, I will add to this – pure love sets boundaries and pure love respects boundaries. 

This morning’s learning was about enmeshment. Enmeshment is where two people (or more) have no clear defined personal boundaries and sense of individuality and therefore don’t know where one person starts and other person ends. Basically, it is a loss of personal identity.

This can play out in a multitude of ways:

– an overly controlling parent
– co-dependency in a relationship
– a child being a surrogate spouse
– overly attached siblings

The ultimate outcome of being in an enmeshed relationship is a loss of freedom, an inability to speak up and state your truth for fear of being cast out and ultimately the loss of self-worth (a common precursor to suicidal thoughts). The enmeshed individual forgoes their sense of self, become overly concerned by the thoughts and feelings of another and gives up everything that identifies them, such as the way they dress, the sorts of foods they like, the places they go and activities they take part in – just so that they can be accepted and loved by another.

Often those that are enmeshed consider the behaviour to be quite normal, loving even, as they are unaware there is an alternative that would empower them more.

One of the things that can happen with enmeshment is that the weaker of the two people can end up experiencing and carrying the emotions of the other. This can present itself in many ways. Firstly, it may show as the individual believing the emotions are actually their own, causing them to try and solve a problem that isn’t theirs and secondly, it can result in a health condition in the weaker person – the most common ones being autoimmune diseases and Chronic Fatigue/ME.

In Gabor Maté’s book When the Body Says No, he talks about how highly sensitive children of enmeshed families can end up being the counter-balance to a parent’s unresolved emotions. The child soon learns that in order for their parent(s) to be able to function as a parent and thus care for their child, he/she must bear the weight of the parents emotions, and thus absorbs them as their own. In doing so, they violate their own boundaries, often adding an additional emotional burden and conflict within themselves. Wittingly or unwittingly, many parents allow this because it benefits them, and so the child becomes a crutch on which the parent becomes reliant upon in order to function and keep up an appearance – whilst the child’s mysterious (and sometimes severe) illness is palmed off as unfortunate or bad luck. In my clinic I have seen this many, many times.

Reading this, many of you are probably thinking – oh my god – that is me, or at least someone you know.

Before you panic, it is important to contextualise things, and make you aware that 1) to some degree everyone has experienced some level of enmeshment – we are human after all, and few people are devoid of all challenges, 2) awareness is the first step to turning an enmeshed experience around and 3) I speak from my own experience that even the most challenging enmeshed experiences can be dealt with to the benefit of both parties – resulting in a win-win situation.

So how do you deal with an enmeshed situation?

First of all, I would highly recommend you find someone that you can trust that you can talk to. Realising you are in an enmeshed situation can be a relief, and it can also bring up all sorts of emotions of your own that can be difficult to deal with. Seeing as having a strong and healthy support network is one of the things that helps us to emotionally regulate ourselves and promotes health, if you don’t have this valuable asset (sometimes due to enmeshment with another) put the wheels in motion to bring that into play. Even if this is difficult to do, you will thank me for it.

“Know IT IS YOUR RIGHT to have your own thoughts and feelings.”

Secondly, know IT IS YOUR RIGHT to have your own thoughts and feelings. This means it is ok to disagree with a spouse about how shared finances are to be spent, it is ok to have different political or environmental views to your parents and it is ok to have a different vision or expectation on how a piece of work is going to turn out than your boss or co-worker. We are different people, with different perspectives and with different wants and likes, AND THAT IS OK! Your differences is actually what makes life interesting.

The first person that it is important to acknowledge your thoughts and feelings is you. Those that have grown up in an enmeshed environment have often spent so long putting their thoughts and feelings to one side in order to make room for another they have become completely out of touch with their own. Outlets and clues for many of these thoughts or feelings can be found in the areas where the person is still able to express themselves. This might be in the types of books, music, clothes or art that people like – or if they are artists themselves, the words, images, style or the energy behind the things they create. It wasn’t until a friend pointed out that all my music was sad that I became aware that I was drawn to music that resonated the same way I was feeling (she was a big fan of cheesy pop – no idea what that says about her!!). I had no idea I was so sad – it was my norm – but once it was pointed out to me, I was able to consciously decide whether I wanted to be sad or not, and if not, what was it I wanted to be instead (I’ve always wanted to be happy, ever since I was very small). I decided I was up for being more cheerful, so I choose to address the things that were making me sad so I could experience being more upbeat, resulting in the need for a whole new set of music – woo hoo!

How you feel about things counts

Once you are aware that you have your own thoughts and feelings, I encourage you to to take steps to honour them. To start with, if all this feels very challenging and overwhelming you can do this via a private journal. People that are brave enough to honour their own thoughts and feelings are far more likely to have them honoured by those around them – because we generally lead by example.

The next step is to ask the other enmeshed person to be responsible for their thoughts and feelings. So in a situation where a parent/spouse/boss blames their child/husband/employee for their anxiety let’s say, the child/husband/employee would remain clear in their mind that the anxiety is the parent/spouse/boss’s choice – knowingly or not. We know this because different people respond to the same stimulus in different ways and we are able to change that we feel about things. In this situation, the parent/spouse/boss is the only one capable of dealing with that anxiety – and despite what they say, they are capable.

In the horse work I do, we share a safety agreement that explicitly asks people to take responsibility for themselves.

In the horse work I do, we share a safety agreement that explicitly asks people to take responsibility for themselves.

The same principles apply to you. If you find yourself blaming others, leaning on someone else and wanting them to solve your problems for you or burying your problems in your relationships, stop. You will not find solutions there. Problems are a sign you are being one sided in your thinking and it is time to look at some new, life sustaining alternatives that will serve you much better in the long run. Just as you have a right to have your boundaries respected, so do others – remember that.

Empowering yourself to deal with your own thoughts and feelings and asking others to be responsible for theirs is actually a very empowering and positive thing to do. No matter how much I may want to, I cannot change how someone else feels because I am not them. What I can do though, is be aware of someone else’s thoughts and feelings and put my light of consciousness on it. In some instances I am in a position to hold up a mirror and show them what they are feeling and let them know I will support them to explore that and that I have every faith they can achieve the outcome they desire.

You empower people most when you make them responsible (response-able) for how they think and feel. Being empowered is a wonderful experience because it allows people to be themselves, without judgement. Empowerment also knows we don’t have to be experts at something straight away, we can start small, and grow our skills bit by bit.

Some people are able to deal with enmeshment on their own, however, I personally needed help to learn how to set healthy boundaries and assert myself in a conflict situation. Often those from enmeshed situations are lacking good role models for how to deal with strong and overbearing people, so a good friend, therapist or coach can be useful to help you develop your skill set and put it into practice. My biggest personal success has come in the last 7 years, where I found someone I could trust and I have learnt to speak my truth with (I intentionally sought out such a person). It is an enormous source of comfort to know that when I speak up I am listened to, my thoughts and feelings are acknowledged and if necessary acted on and I am left with the knowing that how I am matters to them, which allows me to feel ok about asking for what I need. This one positive relationship has given me the opportunity to explore what healthy relationships are like, and has helped me transfer this knowing into family, workplace and friend relationships to good effect – yeay!

You’re doing just fine

If this article does apply to you and you find yourself feeling down rather than empowered by it remember, we rarely learn about these sorts of things till we have to. Life presents us obstacles not to floor us, but to develop our skills and resources as people. Once you have tackled enmeshment once, it becomes part of your educational vocabulary, meaning you are unlikely to let yourself experience it so vividly and without skill again. This makes you strong not weak. So don’t judge yourself on your outcomes, but instead aware of how much you try. For a person that has multiple goes is far more likely to succeed in the way they want to than someone that never tries at all.

Mind Detox profile picLike I say to my clients all the time, you are amazing, and I am really proud of the effort you make.